mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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