I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she told me i tasted like america
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
