Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
