I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
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Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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