She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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