ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
