I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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