Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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