there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
