Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
