successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
