College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
