What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
