I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this is an emotional support booty call
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
