Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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