just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
