I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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