Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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