Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
