my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
