I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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