Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
