when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
