I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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