I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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