He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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