I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
