I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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