This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
