My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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