so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So much rum. So many feels.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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