giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.