Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha