shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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