I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
