Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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