If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
