I wish I could punch you in the face.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
