I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
