My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
