This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
