I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
