I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
