i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
