I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
