did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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