So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
