from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
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I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...