So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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