How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
