Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
