i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
