Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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