Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
