my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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