Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
