happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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